i don't know how to feel.

alone,

insignificant,


invisible.


We can't be good at things right away, and i know that. but... i can never be that girl who is cute and tiny and socially ept... i'm always going to be big and awkward...

the real pathetic story is i finally watched myself on the byebyebridie dvd (the musical i was in just a month ago where i received a decent part) and was very disappointed. i couldn't hear myself when i was singing at all because everyone over powered me. and i am totally beating myself up over this. i was so excited to see what the turn out would be... and i'm nothing. i'm not a good actress. i'm huge. i'm quiet. i wasn't memorable.


All i can think about was when i told my voice teacher next years winter musical- which is a comedy romance thing based off of The Princess and the Pea... and she was said something sweet like, "you'll get such a nice role! i'll prepare you! -gasp- what if you get the princess?!" and i just shook my head. "why... what?" 


i know what i wanted to say. something along the lines of "i can't... i'm not good enough... i'm not pretty or graceful or... elegant."


but all i muttered was "it's not for me." she she disregarded the thought and assumed i was more of a silly and comedic actress.


silly kim. funny, silly, silly girl.




so disappointed.

And on top of that,

no one listens.