i have been in love before. no doubt, it was an extremely young, shameful, regretful love, but i know what it feels like. and for that i am thankful. still i terribly miss that close feeling to someone.
i watched "5 centimeters per second", a fabulously deep and emotional anime that is every bit of beautiful as it is finite. it reminded me of not just short of a year ago... when my existence revolved around one thing and one thing only.
watching this anime made me sad, and not because the story is terribly beautiful and heart breaking, but because i no longer have a love to relate it to. the fact that the wondrous bliss of love has faded and has been replaced with nothingness piled to my sadness. love enhances people. the fact that my love could also never be. the fact that i am ashamed of my first and most powerful love. i don't know if i can ever forgive...
Its like... a part of you dies when you fall out of love. you long desperately to hold onto that special part of you, but time takes the feelings away slowly until one sporadic day they no longer lie in your heart. they evaporate until the feeling is intangible; lost. however, it leaves a mark; love changes your life forever. like i said, once you've fallen (funny, i think the expression should be something more like "to rise in love"), you'll never want to be out of it again. the only thing you gain is hindsight after you regain your senses from the descent.
after that... you do only what you can: live.
i want to love again, a love that works. i will be more careful with my heart and who i give it too. i want to give myself to someone as completely as i can, and them in return. my ugly self-eesteam still has a minuscule voice in my head telling me i am an undesirable person and i am not worthy of such a wonderful feeling. i know this isn't true, and time will continue and bring new opportunities.
it seems as if... not one guy in my tiny school is mature at all. just this year i've been starting to feel like i can see right through most of the people who live here. i really, really wish i still lived in north carolina, i'm sure it's better because at least the people are REAL and theres a variety. i'm so limited. my sisters had been in love countless times by my age. i, only one pathetic, good-for-nothing, demeaning experience. then why do i crave more?
last night i didn't sleep because my thoughts were somehow pertaining to this exact subject... loudly too. the humming TV wouldn't drown my thoughts either, though it eased it. i remember staring at my walls while the light from my TV's screen flickered with action, anxiously awaiting sleep. it never came. as the descent became lower and lower, summer haunted me more and more often. in time, i will learn to forgive myself. i only now crave the reassurance that this will be true.
maybe we just needed each other. maybe we just lost our heads. maybe we were all too naive about everything.
maybe i can.
