Darling, it's You- You're the One I Love

I just love you so much and I want you to know that. Every song, movie, poem speaks to me because I know the authors are also fluent in the language of love. I never want to let you go and I'm sorry that I did a year ago. </3 I hate knowing we even had time apart. I now know that having any time at all with someone like you is glorious and beautiful all in itself. You're completely amazing and I want to have you, and only you forever. It's you- you're everything that I was looking for. You are my entire world. Your arms are the only place I've felt whole and complete. I felt the best that I have ever felt just being next to you. How is it possible that other people are capable of having effects like these over other people?

I just want to love you and hold you tight for as long as I live. I want to pursue you, since you are of my wildest dreams, the milky way entangled in my universe of hopes and dreams. Other aspirations are mere constellations. You are the big picture, I wish that you could be the underlying, the backdrop of my life amongst all of my other petty desires. I know they would all come true if only you were to be mine. You are the most powerful and deeply ever-lasting desire I will ever possess, ridden with on-going passion that will never die out in all of the years to come. No "unseen tides will ever pull us apart". That line absolutely broke me and bore into my soul. God, I love you. I'm never in fear of loving too hard or too much because I know without a single doubt, you love me just the same in return. I am broken without your presence, yet have the single piece to make me entire. You.

You are only human. We are all so similar, but I am in love with all of the things that set you apart. I just keep on pouring, pouring, pouring my lifetime supply of love into your overflowing hear that has had to learn to absorb every drop and add it to your sense of being.

Before love, we were blurs of people, obscure and uncertain, indefinite. Yet, existing. We didn't know what else could be out there, we were blind to the beauty of this lucky life we have been given. We weren't grateful, nor were we ungrateful. We were blind even to each other at first, honestly hardly thought much of the other. But we happened upon each other in the perfect timing- the time we needed someone the most... loneliness at it's greatest. From the day I first talked to you on Facebook, I knew that I wanted to know so much more about you. (Funny, Facebook was invented to help people re-connect with other people, when this is where we discovered our connection that carried over into real-life as well.)

Our friendship grew as we learned about each other, talking and sharpening our edges slowly coming more and more into focus. We were unknowingly about to fall into the depths of love. The day that you told me that you thought you had feelings for me was  like a moment before you jump off of something and don't know what's beyond, never seeing the bottom, or how deep/shallow it is. We took the chance, looked at each other, and jumped. And fell. And still are falling to this very day, minute, moment.

How my world would c r u m b l e before me if I were to ever lose you. How painful the ground would feel as my fall would end my lovely journey abruptly with a smash  of harsh, lonely reality- and a shattered heart, with pieces never to be found, to go along with it. Fear would grip me as I would sit alone in that pit of terrible heart break, examining what's left of me. Oh, you, only something so beautiful could have such an awfully sad end. Only a love as bittersweet as ours. Never, ever do I wish to let go of someone as dear to me as you. Whom I know better than myself. I love you dearly, truly. You are the one for me, we've felt it together.  Love is as real this life gets, and I am so happy to be sharing it with you.

I LOVE YOU. "You're even more beautiful than eyes can see."

Young

Loving you is easy. Just as I was on this summer afternoon, it's as easy as peddling whilst freely gliding downhill on a bicycle. It's too easy. It's carefree, simple, uplifting and lovely. You feel as if you're on top of the world, like some other force is taking you wherever the Earth pleases. Going uphill, however is quite the opposite. You  have to try, you have to work hard at it. It's the sensible direction that you get the most out of, but downhill is more fun and exhilarating. Fumbling for the pattern to frantically peddle out of control is impossible, so you let go. And going downhill freely, without a care in the world, like loving you, is reckless and powerful and eventually, will get me hurt in the end. I really wouldn't have it any other way, though. And as I trek downhill, faster and further plummeting to a steep demise, I fall more and more blindingly in love with you, along with all of the blurs that pass me by. The wind dances across my cheek, further and further I drift, I release my hands from the handlebars and escape. Our love takes me somewhere, away. Coasting away in order to bear my soul to you, young love.

17 hours

great vacation, settled at home now in merely 2 days.

a year later... it's happening again. we'll see what happens this week

happy birthday, harry potter.

my body.

i want to, i really do. i want to. i want to. "if i do this, then i will love myself." that's the most positive thing you can do. i've been slacking like crazy. so i'll take pictures of my shame- fat that's built up out of laziness and overeating. i eat healthy- just too much. i know theres a lovely body i'd be so much more happy with inside- plus i just want to lose it now before it gets way to hard. i have so much time on my hands it'll work! 20 pounds is my goal.. and boy it'll be work. but 10 is my short term goal (: like by the end of the summer- 10 pounds lighter. that's not so bad, right? so here it is... my body- in unflattering sports attire and all.

..........godihatemyass.

Things and such

oh, yeah it's summer, alright. BUT, HMM it seems that everyone else is having the best one of their lives around me while i, alone, have no one. i mean really! i hate being on Facebook now, seeing everyone's cute couple pictures... summer happiness... all my friends are busy and i can't drive.. my sister has a new, wonderful boyfriend who seems to treat her right and i'm totally happy for  her, just as much as i am jealous. i guess the root to all of this is I WANT A FREAKIN' BOYFRIEND! i don't even care if i want one for all of the wrong reasons... i just want one :/ i feel so unwanted not having one... as different as it appears though, i am not desperate. like i'm waiting, looking, all of the right things, being happy around people, FLIRTING, but i'm not just going to date anyone. i sound like such a wad of angst right now, but jeez. i'm so lonely right now .___. i just 'set' two of my friends up and i get to watch it unfold before my eyes which stings even more. sigh... i mean i have someone i have my eye on but i'm not sure. i want to be sure. he's cute and sweet but there's just something about him that says he's not that into me.

and you know, it puts those ugly words into your mind not having anyone while everyone else does. "am i not pretty enough? am i too weird? annoying? fat? big? tall? noobish? what's wrong with me?" when i know those are ridiculous questions they still cloud my mind... i still feel like i need to loose weight. i wish i did swim team </3 i'm not tan enough lol! that's silly i know, i just miss it.

another thing!: i haven't had a real heart to heart with someone in forever. i have nothing to contribute but my loneliness and pathetic-ness i think.. i don't know what it is! people used to tell me things all the time but now i like never hear personal things from others. maybe i don't appear open enough? nyeehh i loved listening to people :/ what is happeningg...

i'm watching what not to wear<3 i never get bored, i'm easily entertained. i hate bored people. XD but my god, i want someone to share everything with. i feel empty... where that other person used to fill and make my life wonderful... it's all gone. a void waiting to be filled with something new and twice as wonderful.

but, what if it never happens again for me? 

WOO SUMMER!

I'm super stoked! tomorrow is the last day and finals were today... totally bombed spanish oral/final but i still have all A's! yes ^_^ my highschool career is half over!  i'm scared for junior year- the hardest of all, so i've heard.

this will be a great summer, i just know it! they almost always are. i'm not sure where we're going on vaca, i was hoping england but my parents are indecisive. i am going to that art school camp thingy in mid-June so that will be an adult experience. i've never been to a camp!

 this summer i plan to:

-lose weight
-read more books
-play more video games
-practice driving... eep
-draw/paint more
-enjoy every moment of it (:

hanging with friends after school tomorrow- picnic :D i'll bring my camera... I'M BRINGIN' UTENSILS

braceface

so it is today, officially, that i have been braceless for a whole year! and it feels great. i hated it, truthfully.

i have treated my teeth quite well this past year, although i am quite forgetful about the whole 'flossing' regime. who does that?! oh, you do? well...

i remember in like, 5th grade i actually kind of wanted braces so everyone i bared my teeth at saw them and knew that i was a teenager! it sounded great at the time! plus, i had a gap in my front teeth that was big enough for birds to dwell in.

little did i know, braces are the most shameful, painful, and horribly awkward experiences one can ever go through. i think i got those suckers on around November 2007, and ever since that moment in time i had began to test my photoshop skills by erasing each bracket off of each tooth to see if i'd look like a whole different person with my still-crooked smile beneath the wires.

This was my best photoshop attempt-
black and white helps

You just  can't photoshop awkward!

In case you were wondering, heres my mug with braces...

yeah, very attractive. now to spray febreze over that stenchy photo, heres the day i got them off! and what a glorious day it was!

Big, no no, HUGE day of my life
May 3rd, 2010

I remember the grand anticipation! the horrible grinding of the glue was almost music to my ears as i knew that this would turn out be a dramatic transformation in the mouth area... what if it was too dramatic? what if i was even uglier? it was killing me, i was dying to see myself. and so it was, i was very satisfied with my teeth. the wait was well worth while! any remember kids, WEAR YOUR RETAINER.

Kim's Braces (November 2007-May 2010)

5 centimeters per second

i have been in love before. no doubt, it was an extremely young, shameful, regretful love, but i know what it feels like. and for that i am thankful. still i terribly miss that close feeling to someone.

i watched "5 centimeters per second", a fabulously deep and emotional anime that is every bit of beautiful as it is finite. it reminded me of not just short of a year ago... when my existence revolved around one thing and one thing only.

watching this anime made me sad, and not because the story is terribly beautiful and heart breaking, but because i no longer have a love to relate it to. the fact that the wondrous bliss of love has faded and has been replaced with nothingness piled to my sadness. love enhances people. the fact that my love could also never be. the fact that i am ashamed of my first and most powerful love. i don't know if i can ever forgive...

Its like... a part of you dies when you fall out of love. you long desperately to hold onto that special part of you, but time takes the feelings away slowly until one sporadic day they no longer lie in your heart. they evaporate until the feeling is intangible; lost. however, it leaves a mark; love changes your life forever. like i said, once you've fallen (funny, i think the expression should be something more like "to rise in love"), you'll never want to be out of it again. the only thing you gain is hindsight after you regain your senses from the descent.

after that... you do only what you can: live.

i want to love again, a love that works. i will be more careful with my heart and who i give it too. i want to give myself to someone as completely as i can, and them in return. my ugly self-eesteam still has a minuscule voice in my head telling me i am an undesirable person and i am not worthy of such a wonderful feeling. i know this isn't true, and time will continue and bring new opportunities.

it seems as if... not one guy in my tiny school is mature at all. just this year i've been starting to feel like i can see right through most of the people who live here. i really, really wish i still lived in north carolina, i'm sure it's better because at least the people are REAL and theres a variety. i'm so limited. my sisters had been in love countless times by my age. i, only one pathetic, good-for-nothing, demeaning experience. then why do i crave more?

last night i didn't sleep because my thoughts were somehow pertaining to this exact subject... loudly too. the humming TV wouldn't drown my thoughts either, though it eased it. i remember staring at my walls while the light from my TV's screen flickered with action, anxiously awaiting sleep. it never came. as the descent became lower and lower, summer haunted me more and more often. in time, i will learn to forgive myself. i only now crave the reassurance that this will be true.

maybe we just needed each other. maybe we just lost our heads. maybe we were all too naive about everything.

maybe i can.

el futuro

Ahhh, the future. don't get too caught up in thinking about it.

i'm thrilled...to have a future! to know that one day i'll be on my own gives me this feeling in my very core, terror and excitement... i'm not ready to be an adult yet. you dont just one day become one.... it doesnt just 'happen'. 

this summer i'll get a taste of adulthood! well more like college life. June 19-23 i will be in the cities for this art institute program thing. it'll be supervised and everything, though.

 i want to be an animator... i'm pretty dead-set about this ambition. i'm just not sure where i want to go to school for it yet. like, the art institute nearby is a wee bit shady.. like its super easy to get into? i guess most art majors don't need to be a math prodigy or a science genius, but... i want to go somewhere good, ya know? i want to be proud. and there are no dorms.. i want to experience college life- having a roommate and having fun meeting people! i'll probably go somewhere else to get my gen-eds done first or something, hopefully UofM.. if i can get in. blah idk. so unsure. i kind of like that, it's comforting not knowing  for sure what will happen.

thinking about the future is like trying to see through this heavy, hazy fog in the early morning- the farther away it is from you, harder it is to see. like, you can predict things that will happen this week, this month, etc but trying to predict three years from now is nearly impossible. so many things could happen from point A to point B in time.

time is just...like, i feel as if it's flying out of my ass at a rapid, constant  rate. i can hardly believe things that happened a year ago... were a WHOLE year ago that didn't seem that far past... it's just dust in the wind now. said and done. blotchy memories.

yet i'm still very young, and it's frustrating and relaxing a the same time. i'm anxiously awaiting the future, constantly.

only time will tell, and it's passing me by like a RAY OF LIGHT.

charge ipod, charge!

i'm waiting for it to change so i can run for 25 minutes around the 'hood! there is niceish weather today.

NEW VIDEO i dance around to two songs and give updates on my life. it's all good natured fun!

i think we're looking at another dog today... strange! it's the same breed as my two other doggies and he's around the same age so he'll fit right in! we're going to see him today @ 1. he's extremely cute, and his name is Buck.

and i might go to the mall today with some friends (:

*edit, no we never did get this dog. it humped Lilly and my mom was turned off by that.

UGH

Well! today.... this guy asked me to prom. this guy who is awkward.. lanky.. but sweet. he and i made video projects together when i was in video production freshman year. he also was me and my friend's favorite subject to joke about at one point too... which makes me feel like a total bitch, but i can't help it he's a funny guy!

i dont really know what to do... strangely before he asked i said something stupid like "we're matching!" and i'll bet that made it easier for him to go to the subject of prom.

STUPIDMESTUPIDMESTUPIDME.

All i could say was, "are you being serious?"

i mean i would, just as friends... but everyone will assume we're dating or something. i don't have a serious issue with that, but he's not my 'type'.

(plus i'm not 100% sure if he's completely alright in the head.)

jeez, dreary blog yesterday...

i don't know how to feel.

alone,

insignificant,


invisible.


We can't be good at things right away, and i know that. but... i can never be that girl who is cute and tiny and socially ept... i'm always going to be big and awkward...

the real pathetic story is i finally watched myself on the byebyebridie dvd (the musical i was in just a month ago where i received a decent part) and was very disappointed. i couldn't hear myself when i was singing at all because everyone over powered me. and i am totally beating myself up over this. i was so excited to see what the turn out would be... and i'm nothing. i'm not a good actress. i'm huge. i'm quiet. i wasn't memorable.


All i can think about was when i told my voice teacher next years winter musical- which is a comedy romance thing based off of The Princess and the Pea... and she was said something sweet like, "you'll get such a nice role! i'll prepare you! -gasp- what if you get the princess?!" and i just shook my head. "why... what?" 


i know what i wanted to say. something along the lines of "i can't... i'm not good enough... i'm not pretty or graceful or... elegant."


but all i muttered was "it's not for me." she she disregarded the thought and assumed i was more of a silly and comedic actress.


silly kim. funny, silly, silly girl.




so disappointed.

And on top of that,

no one listens.

so i picked up a golf club for the first time today....

and did not kill anyone.

also, i hit a ball.

well it looks like my old email has been hacked!

Great! it's not a big deal i just won't be able to sign into a lot of websites now and i hope youtube will remember my password forever. ya know... because you can't change your email on youtube... grr. fingers crossed.

my old blog (barely anything written anyway)

so here i am. on a sunday night. i watched a couple of episodes of my so-called life off of netflix and i fell in love. mememolly is my inspiration of course; i love her to death and want to be her bffl. she inspires me and she doesn't even try, she herself is just amazing the way she is. and because of her- i want to see those 90s shows like freaks & geeks and daria... cool shit like that

i've been thinking... just you know those realizations of how stupid you were two years ago and you are so much smarter/better now? i just can't believe my past self sometimes! i'm ashamed of stupid things i've said and done and only want to correct it in the future. sigh. we're only human, i suppose

i hate how i never finish anything. i'm making a physical list and i think crossing things off will help me get shit DONE.

some things on this list include:
-finishing my Rapunzel painting
-finishing prozac nation and it's kind-of a funny story
-finishing the game 'Psychonauts' and 'Okamiden' (which i LOVE)
- starting the 3rd harry potter book and finishing the series before the last movie
-losing 15 pounds
-read the whole damn webcomic "Questionable Content"

stuff like that. the older you get, the less free time you have to do negligible things like that. i'm young and i just am SO LAZY. or maybe it's just a state of mind...

when i was even younger, i used to be this neat freak. like, i wonder if my mom thought i would be OCD or something about cleanliness as i aged. didn't stay that way i guess... i just i don't feel like there's enough time in the world to always keep things clean... or maybe it takes the same amount of time to up-keep rather than clean gigantic mess  every 2 months or so.

growing up- it's interesting.